The Sixteenth Post

I changed hotels. I had to. When I went back after being at the library, I saw that someone had gone through it. Fortunately, I had nothing there except clothes, but that was enough to send me packing. The only thing of value I possess at this point is my laptop, and it goes with me everywhere. My new room isn't Wi-fi, but it has a free ethernet hi-speed connection, and that's enough for now. The main point is that they don't know where I am.

I don't know what I'm going to do if they find me. I don't know why they're going to do. Can they delete the blog? What kind of power do they have? I imagine the legal strings would be extensive. Maybe they'll hold me against my will and force me to delete it. I won't do it. I'll leave it up forever if I can. Maybe someone else can continue this work. I don't know what kind of work it is, but with the privilege of free speech, how can we be silenced over something as meager as a secret organization that keeps cities safer?

Perhaps it's the ideology of absolute power. After all, these people work under the radar and are protected so that even if they are caught, they were never there. I know that Tara killed herself. She took sleeping pills after I was asleep according to her note. She insisted it wasn't my fault, but she never said what she died over. I would have thought it didn't matter anymore. When you're gone, you're gone, but she let that secret die with her.

I stared at that Rubik's Cube charm for hours before I did anything else. This is what she had during our Olive Garden date. An item that she did not have at the conclusion of the evening. I can only assume the gentleman she spoke to in the midst of our dinner was handed this item and he possessed it for a time. I don't know when she got it back, or what it was used for, even. She had to know I would remember this trinket. She had to. She left it for me to find right next to her note.

Her note contained very little information. She explained nothing. It was more or less a token suicide note explaining to the authorities that she couldn't live anymore and that she died of her own volition. She actually used the word "volition." I knew she didn't write the note for me, with the exception of not blaming me.

Really, for The Mist, it was the perfect death. She died in her sleep of an overdose. A note was left explaining her choice. I was right there to let the police know about it. How convenient, right?

There's no paranoia this time. I did call the police. They came out and took her and the note. I was questioned briefly and I told them that she was severely depressed and I thought when she ate last night, she was getting better. No strings. No problems. I was free to live my life alone again. But Tara left another note.

I didn't find this one immediately. I don't know when she wrote either note, but this one was in the pocket of a shirt I wore fairly often. I had dressed for work and discovered it before leaving. While she didn't tell any more information, it was comforting to know she thought enough of me to write directly to me privately in a note I did not have to turn over to the police.

"Dear Atari (no, she didn't call me Atari),

I know you have a million questions, and I wish I could give you all the answers. You know how we ended up together, and that it wasn't a coincidence. You know who I work for. But I won't tell you what you so desperately want to know. I've tried, and I can't do that to you. Whatever I've put you through this last month, I want you to be able to live your life with a clear mind and conscience, so you can't know this. Please don't pursue it.

I had no greater happiness in my life than the time I spent with you. Never think that you caused my death in any way. It's just that circumstances changed, and I found out something that I could no longer live with.

There's so much I wish I could say, but before I write anything you will regret, I will leave you with this: if it were within my power, I would have spent the rest of my life with you. I never met anyone who fit with me as well as you did, and I never would have again. I wish you the best in your life as it moves forward, and I want you to move forward. I know it will take you time to get past what I've done today, but I pray you will do so quickly, because you have a long and happy life ahead of you.

I left my charm for you as something to remember me by. I know that is one of those things you have questions about, but only think of it as what I showed you on our second date. It is a symbol of a happy moment. It is a symbol of what we were.

Be happy. I love you.

Tara"

She said don't pursue this, but I can't do that. They did something to her, and she died for it. She did not deserve to die. She told me the path I need to take to find out the answers to all the questions. There are people who know. The people I've never pursued before.

I'm going to find my parents.