Life is a Rubik's cube. Consider the correlations. You can't see the whole thing at the same time. It's addictive, fun, and frustrating. It requires a complex set of moves to figure it out. You can't choose sides but work it from one end to the other. And as soon as you get it figured out, you can't do anything until it is all mixed up again. After all, a solved Rubik's cube is a pointless game, just as a life in perfect order is completely unexciting.
I could do with some unexcitement right about now, given that I'm so mixed up, I don't know which color I'm on or which move will put just two block together in the right order. I can solve the Rubik's cube, but solving my life is going to be far more complex. The standard cube is 3x3, but I suspect life has so many sides and colors and blocks that it is more like a 7x7 cube, which will break very easily should you not be careful with what you move. After all, the blocks you add, the more breakable the cube is. Funny how it continues to emulate life.
I think I was a solved 3x3 cube when I met Tara back in April. By the time we moved in together in June, I a slightly unsolved 4x4, and right about now, I've hit the completely mixed up 7x7 stage. I never dreamed I would deliver another pizza ever again, and yet in a few hours, that's what I'll be doing. I am hesitant to find another software company because they know that's what I do. You can't be incognito in your own field. They'll never expect me to be delivering pizzas. But I will make sure I'm wearing a hat.
After our Olive Garden date, I pulled out my well-worn cube and showed Tara that I could do it. She seemed moderately impressed.
The next couple months continued as the first few days had. The only difference is when I wanted to call her, I was able to. This is not to say she always answered right away. There were quite a few times I had to wait for a call back, but she always seemed happy to talk to me. But she always seemed to be busy doing something, but she would never say what.
But right before we moved in together, I learned all I was going to from her. She didn't answer all my questions, but she did tell me enough for me to now I shouldn't ask.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The Eighth Post
I'm back in my room after finding out that the library closes two hours early. Who told them they could close early? And why didn't I notice that when I was there? Anyway, I had me a very close call at Wal-Mart, which I went to right after Panera earlier. I was going to check out, and I was very nearly spotted by a former associate of Tara's. Yeah, they know me. She told them all about me. I guess she had to before she decided to duck out. That really cheesed them off.
I pretended to be interested in the Pirates of the Caribbean display for about an hour before he finally went out of eyeshot. The cashier standing nearby was getting very concerned. Who wouldn't be? I'd read both versions of the DVD about a hundred times while lowly rotating around the display depending on where this guy was standing. I started for the register a couple times before he turned again.
After I left, I considered carefully where to go from there. I still needed to find a job, and I did pizza delivery in college. It's not great money, but I have control over where I go, most of my people don't order out, and even if they do, I can decline the order by saying they're family. It'll be enough to get by for a little while. Who knows? The next time you order a pizza, it could be me delivering it. No, I'm not going to tell you where I was hired today.
I found me one desperate manager who was more than eager to take in a guy with a car and the willingness to work. I start tomorrow. It'll distract me from this pain I've got myself into.
I realized after looking over the last post that I never told you about this mysterious charm Tara "picked up" at the mall. It was a Rubik's Cube. Well, not literally, but a flat view of the cube like you're looking at a corner, so it was divided into three even parts with squared off sides. It's not too hard to imagine, but I'll have to figure out how to upload pictures to this blog so you can actually see it.
When I commented to her that I could solve the cube, she was impressed. I honestly think that was the point where she decided I was worth sticking with since it wasn't too long after that that I got her number. Her whole attitude changed as a matter of fact. Go figure. I guess she figured I wasn't so dumb after all.
As for the charm, I saw it periodically, or so I thought. I never saw it for long in the same place, and when I commented on it having noticed she never actually wears a charm bracelet, she just laughed it off and said she just likes it. Well, that is kind of the truth.
What was horrible is what the charm represented. It stood for something that lives in the underbelly of this city -- voted the safest in Oklahoma and the 20th safest in the nation. Maybe what this charm represented helped that. Maybe it served to keep it safe. Maybe it stifled all that threatened the safety of the city. One thing I learned, though, is that there is more to Broken Arrow than what is on the surface. Don't misunderstand me, it is a very safe place to live. I never had any problems here.
But what is it behind the scenes that keeps us that way? The truth, when it comes out is one of the hardest things to accept, especially when it is so unexpected. I've never been one to be paranoid, but I've started looking over my shoulder more. After what I've done, I just might be a target now.
The Seventh Post
I honestly wonder if anyone will ever read this. I'm also not sure I care. The whole point was to have a method of communication to tell what happened and get this monkey off my back, so whether a reader exists or not is almost irrelevant.
Anyway, this morning, I'm in a Panera Bread Store on 145th in Broken Arrow. Again with the awesome wi-fi connection. I know people at the Wal-Mart that's right here, but I've never known them to come over here despite its proximity. People will travel miles and miles to work, but few of them will go somewhere close enough to walk to. Granted, I had to drive from the hotel a little over a mile away, but that's beside the point.
That hotel bill is going to deplete my funds rather quickly if I don't do something. I haven't worked since... Well, since October, and I've been eating through the savings I have ever since. I need a job, but one where I can control who does and doesn't see me. I also need one where they practically hire you on the spot so they don't dig too deeply into my background. Well, not that there's currently anything they would find (things take time to update), but living out of a hotel won't bode well for me. I could get something more legit when I get another apartment, but again, I have to be careful.
You see, Tara was into some things I never knew about until later. These things were so secret, she was able to easily keep me completely in the dark about them until... Well, until later.
The next time I saw her, she called me again, and asked to meet her at Woodland Hills Mall. Not an unusual choice, since the mall provides a good quarter mile of area to wander around in, but isn't it traditional for the guy to pick the girl up for a date? Then again, it's also traditional for the guy to call the girl, so this is all upside down. At least I'm still driving. That's another one of those things that became a staple I learned the reasoning behind much later as well. She always drove herself. Before we moved in together, we always traveled in separate vehicles.
Yeah, we lived together for about four months. Those were the quietest times we had together.
Anyway, when I got to Woodland Hills, I wandered into the food court area to see if she was around there anywhere. I realized we hadn't discussed where we would actually meet. Part of me at the time thought that might have been deliberate considering how much she seemed to keep to herself.
I wandered around that area for a little while before I decided to just sit and wait. No point in wandering aimlessly when she might or might not be there. After all, she had set up the meeting. Meeting... Like it's a business deal or something.
After a while, I went into Lollipops, which is a candy store right there at the food court entrance, and grabbed some chocoloate covered cookie dough (it's an obsession -- leave me alone) to nibble on while I waited. About the time I finished it, she showed up.
She was already inside the mall apparently since she came from the inside. She was also not surprised to find me waiting, nor did she apologize for either keeping me or not telling me where to meet. But when I expected to walk around in the mall, she asked if I wanted to head over to Olive Garden to eat. Being the agreeable chap I am, I said this was fine, and asked if she wanted to drive over or just walk. She looked confused for a moment, so I reminded her that we could walk through the mall and exit out Sears and be right there. She said I should drive, and we walked to my car.
On the way, I asked her where she parked, and she said on the other side of the mall. I offered to drop her off after we ate, hoping to catch a glimpse of her vehicle, but she didn't answer immediately.
Once we were seated at dinner, I asked what she was doing at the mall. She said she had to pick something up. An odd statement, considering she wasn't carrying any bags or items with her. I casually asked what she had to get. I guess I wasn't casual enough, because she gave me a slight smile, and asked if I trusted her. Now, to be honest, I didn't know this girl, nor were her actions thus far something to be considered trustworthy. However, I lied and said sure, I did.
She reached into her pocket and produced a small charm. I asked if I could see if it closer, but she said it was custom, and would rather hold on to it. I asked if she trusted me. She replied quite casually that if she didn't, I wouldn't be there with her. Now, I would just like to point out that that is exactly how she phrased it. That I wouldn't be there with her, not that she wouldn't be there with me.
So would she have been there anyway, whether I showed up or not? Was I a cover so she would look like she belonged there? Was I just filling the space across from the table?
Well, she never looked around or gave me the slightest indication that she were putting on a show for someone, because she was completely casual all evening. We talked about me, mostly. My life. My history. My past.
I told her I graduated in 97 from Broken Arrow High School. Spent some time in the Army. Got kicked out for reasons that are a whole other story, just not as serious. It was an honorable discharge. Went to college for computer programming. Worked at a firm where I could use my degree. I lead a very basic, simple life. She only nodded and asked very few questions. She did ask how I scored on the weapons in the Army. Proudly, I had to say I was expert on M16 and M60, but only Sharpshooter on grenades -- I just don't have a throwing arm, so what? I did tell her what I did in the military, but it's not important for this. Suffice to say, I had a very, very non-combat job. Never even got deployed.
I tried to find out about her, and learned she had graduated from Broken Arrow in 2001, so there was no chance of my ever seeing her there. She had gone to college, but she didn't say what for, and when I asked, she changed the subject to dessert. I miss the chocolate lasagna they used to have there. She said she works, but didn't say where or what she does. Not even a hint. I tried to ask about the time the food arrived. Oh well.
These are answers I have now, after the fact. I can't help but wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I have pursued her. Given that I'm in hiding, probably not. I would have spared myself the momentary pleasures for the cushy programming job I used to have.
The only event of significance during dinner was when she got up to go to the bathroom. Now, you may be saying, "Atari's paranoid," but I watched her go and then saw her speaking to a large gentleman in jeans and a polo shirt. She glanced up and saw me. Our eyes met. She pulled the guy out of my line of sight. She came back to the table a few minutes later. It's not as if we were dating at this point -- I'd only seen her a couple of times -- but I still felt entitled to ask who she was talking to. She said he was just a gentleman from her work she ran into on the way to the bathroom and left it at that.
After dinner, she guided me to a white Ford Escort parked in front of Macy's. She got out and waved good-bye but didn't get into the car right away. I did as I'd done with Rhema and drove a short distance away. She walked about four rows over and got into another vehicle I couldn't make out in the dark before she drove away. Actually, she didn't drive away. She got in the passenger side, so someone else drove away with her. Yeah, I definitely found that odd.
Unfortunately, my love of too many James Bond films had my mind racing and I had to see her again. Never knowing when to quit is a definite weakness of mine.
Well, I finished my bagel a long time ago, and the third cup of coffee is catching up to my bladder, so I'd best move on. I don't want to stay in one place for too long because you never know when they're watching and who might be on the way.
Oh, I did get her number after dinner.
Anyway, this morning, I'm in a Panera Bread Store on 145th in Broken Arrow. Again with the awesome wi-fi connection. I know people at the Wal-Mart that's right here, but I've never known them to come over here despite its proximity. People will travel miles and miles to work, but few of them will go somewhere close enough to walk to. Granted, I had to drive from the hotel a little over a mile away, but that's beside the point.
That hotel bill is going to deplete my funds rather quickly if I don't do something. I haven't worked since... Well, since October, and I've been eating through the savings I have ever since. I need a job, but one where I can control who does and doesn't see me. I also need one where they practically hire you on the spot so they don't dig too deeply into my background. Well, not that there's currently anything they would find (things take time to update), but living out of a hotel won't bode well for me. I could get something more legit when I get another apartment, but again, I have to be careful.
You see, Tara was into some things I never knew about until later. These things were so secret, she was able to easily keep me completely in the dark about them until... Well, until later.
The next time I saw her, she called me again, and asked to meet her at Woodland Hills Mall. Not an unusual choice, since the mall provides a good quarter mile of area to wander around in, but isn't it traditional for the guy to pick the girl up for a date? Then again, it's also traditional for the guy to call the girl, so this is all upside down. At least I'm still driving. That's another one of those things that became a staple I learned the reasoning behind much later as well. She always drove herself. Before we moved in together, we always traveled in separate vehicles.
Yeah, we lived together for about four months. Those were the quietest times we had together.
Anyway, when I got to Woodland Hills, I wandered into the food court area to see if she was around there anywhere. I realized we hadn't discussed where we would actually meet. Part of me at the time thought that might have been deliberate considering how much she seemed to keep to herself.
I wandered around that area for a little while before I decided to just sit and wait. No point in wandering aimlessly when she might or might not be there. After all, she had set up the meeting. Meeting... Like it's a business deal or something.
After a while, I went into Lollipops, which is a candy store right there at the food court entrance, and grabbed some chocoloate covered cookie dough (it's an obsession -- leave me alone) to nibble on while I waited. About the time I finished it, she showed up.
She was already inside the mall apparently since she came from the inside. She was also not surprised to find me waiting, nor did she apologize for either keeping me or not telling me where to meet. But when I expected to walk around in the mall, she asked if I wanted to head over to Olive Garden to eat. Being the agreeable chap I am, I said this was fine, and asked if she wanted to drive over or just walk. She looked confused for a moment, so I reminded her that we could walk through the mall and exit out Sears and be right there. She said I should drive, and we walked to my car.
On the way, I asked her where she parked, and she said on the other side of the mall. I offered to drop her off after we ate, hoping to catch a glimpse of her vehicle, but she didn't answer immediately.
Once we were seated at dinner, I asked what she was doing at the mall. She said she had to pick something up. An odd statement, considering she wasn't carrying any bags or items with her. I casually asked what she had to get. I guess I wasn't casual enough, because she gave me a slight smile, and asked if I trusted her. Now, to be honest, I didn't know this girl, nor were her actions thus far something to be considered trustworthy. However, I lied and said sure, I did.
She reached into her pocket and produced a small charm. I asked if I could see if it closer, but she said it was custom, and would rather hold on to it. I asked if she trusted me. She replied quite casually that if she didn't, I wouldn't be there with her. Now, I would just like to point out that that is exactly how she phrased it. That I wouldn't be there with her, not that she wouldn't be there with me.
So would she have been there anyway, whether I showed up or not? Was I a cover so she would look like she belonged there? Was I just filling the space across from the table?
Well, she never looked around or gave me the slightest indication that she were putting on a show for someone, because she was completely casual all evening. We talked about me, mostly. My life. My history. My past.
I told her I graduated in 97 from Broken Arrow High School. Spent some time in the Army. Got kicked out for reasons that are a whole other story, just not as serious. It was an honorable discharge. Went to college for computer programming. Worked at a firm where I could use my degree. I lead a very basic, simple life. She only nodded and asked very few questions. She did ask how I scored on the weapons in the Army. Proudly, I had to say I was expert on M16 and M60, but only Sharpshooter on grenades -- I just don't have a throwing arm, so what? I did tell her what I did in the military, but it's not important for this. Suffice to say, I had a very, very non-combat job. Never even got deployed.
I tried to find out about her, and learned she had graduated from Broken Arrow in 2001, so there was no chance of my ever seeing her there. She had gone to college, but she didn't say what for, and when I asked, she changed the subject to dessert. I miss the chocolate lasagna they used to have there. She said she works, but didn't say where or what she does. Not even a hint. I tried to ask about the time the food arrived. Oh well.
These are answers I have now, after the fact. I can't help but wonder if I knew then what I know now, would I have pursued her. Given that I'm in hiding, probably not. I would have spared myself the momentary pleasures for the cushy programming job I used to have.
The only event of significance during dinner was when she got up to go to the bathroom. Now, you may be saying, "Atari's paranoid," but I watched her go and then saw her speaking to a large gentleman in jeans and a polo shirt. She glanced up and saw me. Our eyes met. She pulled the guy out of my line of sight. She came back to the table a few minutes later. It's not as if we were dating at this point -- I'd only seen her a couple of times -- but I still felt entitled to ask who she was talking to. She said he was just a gentleman from her work she ran into on the way to the bathroom and left it at that.
After dinner, she guided me to a white Ford Escort parked in front of Macy's. She got out and waved good-bye but didn't get into the car right away. I did as I'd done with Rhema and drove a short distance away. She walked about four rows over and got into another vehicle I couldn't make out in the dark before she drove away. Actually, she didn't drive away. She got in the passenger side, so someone else drove away with her. Yeah, I definitely found that odd.
Unfortunately, my love of too many James Bond films had my mind racing and I had to see her again. Never knowing when to quit is a definite weakness of mine.
Well, I finished my bagel a long time ago, and the third cup of coffee is catching up to my bladder, so I'd best move on. I don't want to stay in one place for too long because you never know when they're watching and who might be on the way.
Oh, I did get her number after dinner.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Sixth Post
I enjoy the library. It's quiet. It's semi-private with people. And most of all, the Broken Arrow Library has wi-fi access...which did I mention was awesome? I'm sitting here next to the hold shelves watching the door (just in case, you never know) figuring out what to tell next. Sequentially will probably work best since that's how it all unfolded for me. I know, "think logically, Atari." Why not?
That night I picked her up at ELH became a pretty average date. We had some dinner, watched a movie, and hung out at Java Dave's for some post-movie coffee. But when I offered to take her home, she said to drop her off on the driveway (not the street, but in Rhema's complex) in front of Rhema's big auditorium (or whatever they call it -- that gargantuan building with the rotating "Faith" sign). I asked her if she was sure about that, and she said she was. So I did as she asked.
Being immensely curious about why I'd done this, I parked at the bank next door and watched her. She waited there for a little while (I guess waiting for me to be far enough away), and then crossed the street and walked past the bank to Hickory, which runs behind the ELH building. I decided not to follow her since that would be suspicious of me, and I didn't want her to know I waited. I figured she just wanted to be dropped off away from the alcoholic dad and then walk home from there without them knowing she was "out with a boy." Weird behaviour for a 23 year old, but some parents are just that strict, I suppose.
And then I realized I still didn't have her number.
One of the librarians just looked at me for awhile. She's whispering to the one next to her. Do they know me? I've been out of touch. Maybe people are searching for me, and my picture is out there. I'll have to surf the 'net later and find out if my mug is public knowledge.
It's too creepy, honestly. I think I'll need to move on for the moment.
That night I picked her up at ELH became a pretty average date. We had some dinner, watched a movie, and hung out at Java Dave's for some post-movie coffee. But when I offered to take her home, she said to drop her off on the driveway (not the street, but in Rhema's complex) in front of Rhema's big auditorium (or whatever they call it -- that gargantuan building with the rotating "Faith" sign). I asked her if she was sure about that, and she said she was. So I did as she asked.
Being immensely curious about why I'd done this, I parked at the bank next door and watched her. She waited there for a little while (I guess waiting for me to be far enough away), and then crossed the street and walked past the bank to Hickory, which runs behind the ELH building. I decided not to follow her since that would be suspicious of me, and I didn't want her to know I waited. I figured she just wanted to be dropped off away from the alcoholic dad and then walk home from there without them knowing she was "out with a boy." Weird behaviour for a 23 year old, but some parents are just that strict, I suppose.
And then I realized I still didn't have her number.
One of the librarians just looked at me for awhile. She's whispering to the one next to her. Do they know me? I've been out of touch. Maybe people are searching for me, and my picture is out there. I'll have to surf the 'net later and find out if my mug is public knowledge.
It's too creepy, honestly. I think I'll need to move on for the moment.
The Fifth Post
If you're wondering, yeah, I have a headache. But on the other hand, this little one sided exchange is becoming rather habitual. I am finding that I kind of like it. My hope is that I will find the courage to finally clear my conscience of what I've done so I can move on with my life...or turn myself in.
I'm finding myself more and more paranoid as time goes on. I am on the second floor of this hotel and I constantly look out the window to see who might be watching. A man stood in the parking lot for some time a couple of day s ago just watching the building. I don't know if he was watching me or not -- it was dark. I have a bad feeling that I've gotten into something far bigger than just a little revenge.
Let me back up a little here. First, there was Tara. I don't know what it was that drew us together, but we met while watching a movie at the Cinemark in Tulsa at 71st and highway 169. It was Disturbia, of all things. Not a bad remake of Rear Window, to be honest. We got a taste of the kid from Transformers before that movie hit in the summer. Anyway, the theatre was dark and people were walking around, and we just ended up sitting next to each other. Simple as that. No real fanfare or anything. I had popcorn and she didn't.
I thought it was that simple, anyway. I still can't wrap my mind around how complex her situation was by the time she ended up in that house watching that movie. She was actually supposed to have been in the theatre for The Reaping, but she changed her mind. I wish I could explain that, but it won't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Anyway, she asked if she could swipe some popcorn, asked what I knew about the movie, that sort of thing. I make a point never to learn more than what the trailer gives before watching a movie, and I knew very little about this one in that way. I quickly caught the Rear Window similarity, though, and pointed that out. I couldn't believe she'd actually seen it. Most people don't watch movies from before they were born for some reason, but she was really well versed. She liked Alfred Hitchcock and Jimmy Stewart which led her to watch Rear Window some years before. Yeah, years. She was only 23, but she saw Rear Window long before this Disturbia came out.
That was April -- eight months ago. Exactly, as a matter of fact. It was April 19th. If I'd known what was going to happen, maybe I wouldn't have offered my number. She didn't offer hers. I was the one forthcoming with information. When I didn't get hers, I figured my number was in the trash by the door, but two days later, she called. She sounded desperate. She wanted to meet me at Wal-Mart 53 and asked if I understood her. It was a bizarre reference, but having lived in Broken Arrow my entire life, I actually knew what she was talking about. I tried to clarify, but she cut me off only asking if I understood her. I said I did, and she hung up.
Wal-Mart 53 isn't a Wal-Mart at all; not anymore, anyway. Store #53 was at 71st & Elm (across the street from that McDonald's) until the late 80's (87 or 88) when they closed that store due to the new Wal-Mart (#472, if you're trying to keep track) which opened at 71st & County Line in 1986. Today, the building is called ELH, and for the life of me I don't know what goes on there. Regardless, I knew what she was talking about and met her in front of that building.
She was on foot, so I figured she lived somewhere close to there. I pulled up and as soon as I got out of the car, she jumped in and told me to drive. I asked her where, but she said just get out of the parking lot and drive. I went west.
I could quickly see this wasn't a date, and as casually as I could, I asked what was going on. I noticed she was ducked down in the seat, like she was hiding. She said it wasn't important, but then commented that her dad had had too much to drink and was in an angry mood. I remember being sympathetic, but wasn't sure I actually believed her at the time. Seemed pretty important to me to blow off initially, and then just say it. As trouble as I've had getting to the point here, I would have thought anyone else would have that kind of problem, especially with an alcoholic parent, but she just said it like it was nothing.
I learned later she lied to me.
I'm finding myself more and more paranoid as time goes on. I am on the second floor of this hotel and I constantly look out the window to see who might be watching. A man stood in the parking lot for some time a couple of day s ago just watching the building. I don't know if he was watching me or not -- it was dark. I have a bad feeling that I've gotten into something far bigger than just a little revenge.
Let me back up a little here. First, there was Tara. I don't know what it was that drew us together, but we met while watching a movie at the Cinemark in Tulsa at 71st and highway 169. It was Disturbia, of all things. Not a bad remake of Rear Window, to be honest. We got a taste of the kid from Transformers before that movie hit in the summer. Anyway, the theatre was dark and people were walking around, and we just ended up sitting next to each other. Simple as that. No real fanfare or anything. I had popcorn and she didn't.
I thought it was that simple, anyway. I still can't wrap my mind around how complex her situation was by the time she ended up in that house watching that movie. She was actually supposed to have been in the theatre for The Reaping, but she changed her mind. I wish I could explain that, but it won't make any sense. None of this makes any sense.
Anyway, she asked if she could swipe some popcorn, asked what I knew about the movie, that sort of thing. I make a point never to learn more than what the trailer gives before watching a movie, and I knew very little about this one in that way. I quickly caught the Rear Window similarity, though, and pointed that out. I couldn't believe she'd actually seen it. Most people don't watch movies from before they were born for some reason, but she was really well versed. She liked Alfred Hitchcock and Jimmy Stewart which led her to watch Rear Window some years before. Yeah, years. She was only 23, but she saw Rear Window long before this Disturbia came out.
That was April -- eight months ago. Exactly, as a matter of fact. It was April 19th. If I'd known what was going to happen, maybe I wouldn't have offered my number. She didn't offer hers. I was the one forthcoming with information. When I didn't get hers, I figured my number was in the trash by the door, but two days later, she called. She sounded desperate. She wanted to meet me at Wal-Mart 53 and asked if I understood her. It was a bizarre reference, but having lived in Broken Arrow my entire life, I actually knew what she was talking about. I tried to clarify, but she cut me off only asking if I understood her. I said I did, and she hung up.
Wal-Mart 53 isn't a Wal-Mart at all; not anymore, anyway. Store #53 was at 71st & Elm (across the street from that McDonald's) until the late 80's (87 or 88) when they closed that store due to the new Wal-Mart (#472, if you're trying to keep track) which opened at 71st & County Line in 1986. Today, the building is called ELH, and for the life of me I don't know what goes on there. Regardless, I knew what she was talking about and met her in front of that building.
She was on foot, so I figured she lived somewhere close to there. I pulled up and as soon as I got out of the car, she jumped in and told me to drive. I asked her where, but she said just get out of the parking lot and drive. I went west.
I could quickly see this wasn't a date, and as casually as I could, I asked what was going on. I noticed she was ducked down in the seat, like she was hiding. She said it wasn't important, but then commented that her dad had had too much to drink and was in an angry mood. I remember being sympathetic, but wasn't sure I actually believed her at the time. Seemed pretty important to me to blow off initially, and then just say it. As trouble as I've had getting to the point here, I would have thought anyone else would have that kind of problem, especially with an alcoholic parent, but she just said it like it was nothing.
I learned later she lied to me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Fourth Post
After a few drinks, here's what I can say. I'm not drunk, but just a ittle bit lucid. Lucid is a weird word. Heh.
Yeah, so I had met this girl and geez it's hard to type like this. She was cute and I didn't know who she was but then I did and we went out and moved in and stuff happened blah blah blah. That doesn't help, does it? Well, tough.
Ok... She was awesome. She bared her soul and body and yeah she had a hot body. I'm trying to stay focused. Did I mention wi-fi is awesome. They got it everywhere now. This hotel has it. God this hotel thing is going to break me.
Anyway, it wasn't my fault she got mad at me that night. I wasn't trying to keep anything from her. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning. Who knew talking about her to an ex would make her so freakin' upset. God, it's an ex, and I said I was taken.
Of course I found out why later, but it still isn't really my fault.
Women get so mad at the dumbest things. I shouldn't be mean to her. I mean, sh
I don't really want to talk about that. I promised to get to the point and I'm rambling. What do I expect? They shouldn't put so much alcohol in that little fridge thingie where just anyone can get to it. ughcfjuyjhujmukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
My hand fell on the keys. That's funny. I can't read that. Maybe I should go to bed.
Yeah, so I had met this girl and geez it's hard to type like this. She was cute and I didn't know who she was but then I did and we went out and moved in and stuff happened blah blah blah. That doesn't help, does it? Well, tough.
Ok... She was awesome. She bared her soul and body and yeah she had a hot body. I'm trying to stay focused. Did I mention wi-fi is awesome. They got it everywhere now. This hotel has it. God this hotel thing is going to break me.
Anyway, it wasn't my fault she got mad at me that night. I wasn't trying to keep anything from her. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning. Who knew talking about her to an ex would make her so freakin' upset. God, it's an ex, and I said I was taken.
Of course I found out why later, but it still isn't really my fault.
Women get so mad at the dumbest things. I shouldn't be mean to her. I mean, sh
I don't really want to talk about that. I promised to get to the point and I'm rambling. What do I expect? They shouldn't put so much alcohol in that little fridge thingie where just anyone can get to it. ughcfjuyjhujmukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
My hand fell on the keys. That's funny. I can't read that. Maybe I should go to bed.
The Third Post
Wi-fi access is a wonderful thing. I can set my laptop up anywhere there is a signal and add to this narrative, hoping that maybe with a change of venue, I will have the courage to put down what has been plaguing me now for four days, and dates back for months. I'm finding, however, that McDonald's doesn't exactly provide the environment to speak the terrible truth of my deeds. Which McDonald's? I don't mind telling you because a) by the time you read this, I'll be long gone and b) even if I were still here when you arrived in a huff, you wouldn't know who I was anyway.
I'm sitting at 71st & Elm in my hometown of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. Yeah, I stayed in my hometown because I know the area, I know the people, and more importantly, I know their movements and where to hide from them. I know at this time of day, none of them will visit this McDonald's so I can eat my sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit and hashbrowns in peace.
This is a weird McDonald's though. Once upon a time around here, this McDonald's sat next door to an Otasco store, which is (was) a hardware store. Well, it changed from one thing to another until finally, they tore down both the store (which like everything else in Broken Arrow and Tulsa, became a car lot) and the McDonald's next door, and built a dual-store convenience store(gas station)/McDonald's. Then the convenience store closed, leaving the McDonald's in half a dead store. But as I look across the store at where I entered, the convenience store section is open as it has been for quite some time now, and I'm pondering whether I should grab an overpriced moon pie on the way out.
This doesn't solve my immediate problem of needing to confess my sins to complete strangers, but since I have no one else to talk to in my instant hermitage, it helps to think that someone out there is actually "listening" to me. Tara used to work here when she was in high school. That was before I knew her, though. That was before a lot of things happened.
Ok, maybe that's enough for now. I don't want to draw attention to myself here.
I'm sitting at 71st & Elm in my hometown of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. Yeah, I stayed in my hometown because I know the area, I know the people, and more importantly, I know their movements and where to hide from them. I know at this time of day, none of them will visit this McDonald's so I can eat my sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit and hashbrowns in peace.
This is a weird McDonald's though. Once upon a time around here, this McDonald's sat next door to an Otasco store, which is (was) a hardware store. Well, it changed from one thing to another until finally, they tore down both the store (which like everything else in Broken Arrow and Tulsa, became a car lot) and the McDonald's next door, and built a dual-store convenience store(gas station)/McDonald's. Then the convenience store closed, leaving the McDonald's in half a dead store. But as I look across the store at where I entered, the convenience store section is open as it has been for quite some time now, and I'm pondering whether I should grab an overpriced moon pie on the way out.
This doesn't solve my immediate problem of needing to confess my sins to complete strangers, but since I have no one else to talk to in my instant hermitage, it helps to think that someone out there is actually "listening" to me. Tara used to work here when she was in high school. That was before I knew her, though. That was before a lot of things happened.
Ok, maybe that's enough for now. I don't want to draw attention to myself here.
Monday, December 17, 2007
The Second Post
After re-reading my first post multiple times, I think I'll try to build myself into... well, this.
First, you'll notice my title is "Atari Speaks." My name is not Atari, but I always enjoyed the Atari 2600 game system. In fact, 2600 is the number for a hacker publication, and I've aways been rather good with computers. I figure: it fits. Anyway, my real name isn't that important, so Atari 2600 works fine. I value my anonymity at this point, but I need a name.
I don't know where else to start from there. Everything began in April, but this mess didn't start until months later. My mind is a mess. I want to just blab it all out, but really, without some kind of a background, what good would it do to tell you. You'd judge me, like everyone else will.
I hope, for your sake, you never do anything you regret. Revenge is a powerful motivator, but I never realized what its success would feel like. I thought I would feel relief or happiness or satisfaction or closure... But I get nothing. Nothing but fear. Nothing but the constant anxiety of whether someone is coming. Whether this is the moment it's all over and they find me.
I swear I will get this out at some point. My fingers just won't type it.
First, you'll notice my title is "Atari Speaks." My name is not Atari, but I always enjoyed the Atari 2600 game system. In fact, 2600 is the number for a hacker publication, and I've aways been rather good with computers. I figure: it fits. Anyway, my real name isn't that important, so Atari 2600 works fine. I value my anonymity at this point, but I need a name.
I don't know where else to start from there. Everything began in April, but this mess didn't start until months later. My mind is a mess. I want to just blab it all out, but really, without some kind of a background, what good would it do to tell you. You'd judge me, like everyone else will.
I hope, for your sake, you never do anything you regret. Revenge is a powerful motivator, but I never realized what its success would feel like. I thought I would feel relief or happiness or satisfaction or closure... But I get nothing. Nothing but fear. Nothing but the constant anxiety of whether someone is coming. Whether this is the moment it's all over and they find me.
I swear I will get this out at some point. My fingers just won't type it.
I don't know...
...if this is a good idea.
I've been in this hotel room for three days now, and I just think I need someone to talk to. Someone who won't interrupt, won't judge, won't give me any look at all, good or bad. I have so much to tell that has happened in the past few months, and I don't know if I can bring myself to write it down.
I've tried several times to just say it, and I can't. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is afraid of what you'll think. Maybe I'm afraid I'll get caught. Maybe you'll know who I really am. Maybe you're a hacker who can figure out my IP address and track me down for those who are looking for me.
I don't want to be found. But I need to get this off my chest. I just don't know where to begin. I don't even know if this is a good idea. Part of me thinks it is because I will feel better. Maybe I'll even have the guts to face everyone again.
I think I need to think about this a little more...
I've been in this hotel room for three days now, and I just think I need someone to talk to. Someone who won't interrupt, won't judge, won't give me any look at all, good or bad. I have so much to tell that has happened in the past few months, and I don't know if I can bring myself to write it down.
I've tried several times to just say it, and I can't. I don't know why. Maybe part of me is afraid of what you'll think. Maybe I'm afraid I'll get caught. Maybe you'll know who I really am. Maybe you're a hacker who can figure out my IP address and track me down for those who are looking for me.
I don't want to be found. But I need to get this off my chest. I just don't know where to begin. I don't even know if this is a good idea. Part of me thinks it is because I will feel better. Maybe I'll even have the guts to face everyone again.
I think I need to think about this a little more...
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